Drastic Times Call for Drastic Measures

I popped by my orthodontist's office this morning. And by popped by I mean I dragged my body out of bed at 6:45 AM to make it to her office 5 minutes late for my appointment at 8AM. I still don't know the definition of a "morning person." I was there to get my "bite rim" replaced because I was so hungry I chewed it off... while I was sleeping. For those of you not up on braces lingo the "bite rim" is the 2 pieces of ceramic glued to the back of my teeth which cause my bite/ chewing problem. Well, now they are metal: less chew-through-able.

After all the ladies in the office and I had a good chuckle about my liquid diet and the opportunity to lose some unwanted weight, I looked at my Dr. and said "When I come back in 4 weeks these are coming off right?" And now an excerpt of dialogue:

Act 1, Sc. 3 - "The Waiting Room"

Dr. V: Oh, no no. We still need to move the back teeth.

Me: So will I ever be able to chew?

Dr. V: (laughing) Of course! We aren't going to leave you not being able to bite!

Me: Oh so after my next visit I will maybe be able to bite?

Dr. V: Oh, no no it will be a couple of visits.

(Pregnant pause while I let it sink in for the reader, what this statement means...)

THIS MEANS I CAN'T CHEW FOR PROBABLY 3 MORE MONTHS!!!!!

I don't know how this fact got past me at my first appointment. I imagine it might have had something to do with the pain shooting through my jaw and the embarrassment rolling down my cheeks. What she said was, these are temporary, we will take them off. What I heard was we will take them off next time.

Today was not exactly the high point of my braces adventure. In fact I even felt a little discouraged. And I am almost ashamed to admit to the situation that progressed. Please don't judge me. These are desperate times. And I had a problem that needed to be addressed...

I put MEAT in the blender.

Ok, I don't have a blender. I have a smoothie maker. But it's the same idea.

Models Wear Braces Too

It's been almost 2 full weeks in braces and I am starting to feel a little more comfortable. There have been a couple of technical hiccups; brackets falling off, pieces breaking off, kanker sores, etc. But the lisp has begun to lessen and I'm starting to feel a bit more confident. I have also almost become content with liquified meals... Does anyone else notice all the qualifiers in this paragraph that imply I still hate this? Just checking.

This blog is for positivity. Which is why I am thrilled to report that I. STILL. GOT IT.

Yes. That means exactly what you think it means. In two ways.

1. The braces had a MoMA film premiere Friday night. The Film Festival Programmer said she couldn't see my braces at all (it came up at the restaurant when I apologized for not partaking in the lovely spread that was provided). AND I was capable of managing self control with my expressions of gratitude. Every time someone walked past and said "Great job on the film!" It was all I could do not to reply with "I will only have braces for 10 months, I know I look ridiculous, but I swear I am still an actress worth hiring!" But if you listened really closely to me saying "Thank you" I'm sure you could still hear it. The cry for help. The whimper of embarrassment.

Obviously I have a flare for melodrama. I am an actress.

2. Saturday night I missed our films after party because I was continuing to work off my contract as an indentured servant with COMIX Comedy Club. I owe at least 3 more months of serving martini's while I watch other people live out my dreams as a performer.

Saturday was a unique evening. While listening to Richard Lewis's ramblings I apparently made an impression on a customer. He introduced himself after the show was over and left the classic note "Call me 212-***-****"

I know what you are thinking, "Chelsea you have a lovely boyfriend." I quite agree with you. In fact I probably think even more highly of him than you do (obviously sisters). But can we agree that when a grown man thinks you are cute enough to leave his phone number, despite the fact that your mouth jewelry implies a relationship would be awkward to say the least, and potentially dangerous, your ego is bolstered? I think we can. Unfortunately for this gentleman, the call he received was not from a bracketed waitress but from a manly bar manager to inform him that he accidentally left his credit card at the club. A ploy? Possibly. Maybe he wanted the manager all along.

Who else has still got it? The supermodel walking through SoHo with Braces, spotted by Ms. Alexandra. I always knew I felt a kinship with models.

All I can say is... things are looking up. I have also begun a video venture to feel like a performer again. sweetpenpal.blogspot.com She is always looking for more Penpals.

SOUP OF THE WEEK: Carrot and Ginger

1 Week Down, 51 Weeks to Go.

Don't you just LOVE getting mail? Snail Mail? I DO. I just love it! So I was just delighted when on Friday I received THREE letters/cards in the mail! All hand addressed! One was a St. Patrick's Day Card from my big sister Abbe. I know what you are thinking "of course the irish girl gets St. Patrick's Day cards in the mail." WRONG. Abbe sends a card for every holiday. I think she even sends one for Flag day. And that is one of the many reasons I adore her.

The second card was my rejection letter from DePaul University. That was my final nail in the coffin. (Wrong expression?) Needle in a hay stack? Whatever. Don't pity me though. I got into Harvard and I turned them down. The California sun was calling louder than the $100,000 loan.

The THIRD card was from the dentist that I saw last Tuesday, the morning of the day the braces went on/ I stopped eating like a normal person. If you don't remember or didn't read it please back track to March 16th before moving on. Otherwise this won't make sense. AND it will make this feel like a choose your own adventure story!

Back? OK above you will see the outside of the card. To the right you will see the inside. I have scanned them so you can see for

yourself.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???

Do You NOT remember me walking out of your office CRYING, after you had crashed my little girl hopes and dreams to be an ugly duckling who gets braces and grows up to be a beautiful SWAN??

You didn't even clean my teeth! You did NOTHING for me except give me something to Blog about!!

So I sent their card back with this lovely photo to let them know just how much I really appreciated the dentist's help.

I am also, truly, sending a letter to the New York State Dental Association informing them of what happened. I have scanned in a copy below. To sum it up:

Dear Dentals Dudes,

This guy who calls himself a dentist called me ugly and hurt my feelings and I think you should punish him.

Love always and forever, Chelsea

By the way, I made it a whole week in braces. It has not been easy but I made it. And I have tasted so many soups I never knew existed. 5 more weeks until I can chew!

I LONG for Potato Chips

Highlights from the evening while waiting tables:

1. I was lucky enough to wait on a Bachelor party.

2. My GM comes late into a conversation where the chef was saying "Chelsea I saw you three times and JUST noticed them." My GM says, "I saw them right away, and thought wow I must not be very observant because I never saw them before today." ME: "That's because I just got them."

What did I not expect? That the pain/ discomfort/ difficulty eating would FAR outweigh the embarrassment. In fact tonight waiting tables (at Comix Comedy Club) was the first time in 2 1/2 days the embarrassment won out.

I'm a flirt. I really am. Men, Women, whatever. That is my main tactic while serving cocktails. Give them the eye, laugh at their jokes, make them feel special. Now I can't even say the word special. The braces are totally invading my server style (thank God I'm typing).

My OLD shpeel: "Hi Welcome to Comix My name is Chelsea. I'll be your server this evening. These are our specials. Can I start you off with something?" Who knew I used so many S's? Now it's "What would you like?" No smile. No specials. No sexiness. "What would you like?"

I realize it is day 2 with braces. Honestly a little soon for another blog post. I don't doubt that my confidence will come back. Nothing has ever really stifled my personality. Ha ha. In fact tonight at the start of the second show I was almost feeling good. Like maybe no one noticed, and if they did, maybe no one cared. I even felt more awkward for the Asian girl that kept asking for an "Ice Coke."

And then it happened.

I'm walking to my table of three men next to the stage carrying their beers when the Host (says oh-so-sarcastically) to one of them "Oh Adult Braces, that's HOT."

YUP.

Ok so I realize that is probably not the first or last Adult Braces joke I will hear. Geez, this whole blog is one big Adult Braces joke. But suddenly it seemed pointed. Attacking. PERSONAL. HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT ME, AND ONLY ME, THE SOLE BRACE WEARER IN THIS WORLD!!!!!

I had made a list of all the things that would be worse than having braces. But I'm not going to share it. Because if anyone is reading this, the odds are one of you has something on the list. (Kirsten, I'm referring to that time in our hotel room in Greece, on that hot, HOT summer day). And if I share that list, I just did to you what that host did to me. So instead I leave you with this...

The next time you eat a potato chip, savor it and think of me.

I Got Conned... Almost.

Today was supposed to be a simple day of "After" pictures for the three of you reading this (Hi Mom). But since my day was not simple, neither is this post. Pictures are at the end, to hold your interest.

DISCLAIMER: This is probably the only blog post that will contain NO sarcasm or exaggeration. The story you are about to read is 100% true. The rest of the blogs... well, use your discretion.

At many friends and dentists suggestions I scheduled a routine cleaning for this morning so my teeth would be pearly white before the brackets got glued on for what will seem like the rest of my life. Since I am newly uninsured I went with the dentist with a coupon for an $80 cleaning - the cheapest I could find. I informed him that I didn't want any X-rays just a cleaning because I was getting braces on today. Now, a brief excerpt of dialogue.

Dentist: Braces, Today?

Me: Yes.

Dentist: Braces- Braces?

Me: Yes.

Dentist: Today-Today?

Me: (Are you kidding me?) Yes.

Dentist: You do not want to get braces. You don't want metal in your mouth. Do you know how that will feel? Do you know what you will look like? Braces will make you look ugly. A pretty young girl like you walking around with those things in your mouth? You will feel so unattractive.

Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I lay in the chair and he proceeds to tell me that he can fix all of my dental problems by using his Invisalign, in a shorter amount of time without "having to look ugly," despite the fact that the 3 Invisalign specialists (including my ortho) I went to said there was no way it could fix my teeth. In fact, he says they lied to me. He says my orthodontist has lied to me about the time frame, and has lied about the capabilities of Invisalign.

Then he shows me "pictures" of teeth on his software that show improvement of teeth "way worse than mine." "Pictures" of graphic designed jaws. His big offer? For $300 dollars I could submit my teeth pictures and see if it can help me too.

The only parts I am leaving out are his excessive statements of braces making me ugly, self-conscious, and uncomfortable. I was there for 25 minutes. I think you get the point.

I left, without getting my teeth cleaned, and also without paying him. I spent the next hour crying at work (what a great employee). Typing this and reading it now, he is obviously a scam artist giving cheap cleanings and talking you into treatments you don't need/ can't help you (my orthodontist informed me that invisalign software will always say a case can be treated because it is a computer, and it does not cost any money to put into the system).

But the day you have been waiting for comes, having spent 5 months of deliberating, making a huge monetary investment and hanging your pride out to dry, and a dental health professional tells you that you are making a huge mistake and that you will be ugly... I think you cry.

Bottom line, you get what you pay for.

So Braces are on despite emotional setbacks. It feels unlike anything I have ever felt before. My only major complaint is that to deal with my huge overbite she put brackets on the back side of my two front teeth so they can not overlap. ( See figure 1.1)

This creates two issues. 1) Only the front 4 teeth touch so chewing/ biting will be next to impossible for the next 6 weeks. Liquid diet it is. 2) I have a lisp. (insert laugh track ( but seriously... I do.))

So I did what any self-respecting 25 year-old girl does when she gets braces. I bought ice cream. (Doctors, if you are reading this... it was organic? )

All photos of me will now be taken in black and white.

BEFORE

Some before pictures.

This is where things got a little crazy.

Where would I be without you, Photobooth?

As I Lay Here In My Snuggie...

a few thoughts cross my mind. The braces go on in 5 days and the move is now almost totally set for July. I should be eating a bunch of things that I won't be able to in the future, but I am not totally sure what they are. Popcorn? Candy?

Also I see this as being similar to getting your teeth wired shut so I intend to be on a semi liquid diet for a while. It's a great time for me to start working on "Hollywood Thin." I mean the first goal is "Thin." Then I move on to "Hollywood Thin." ( I hope you can hear the sarcasm. Anyone who really know me knows I have a problem with potatoes ( but seriously)).

I also keep thinking about how to be an actor with a brace face. I am going to work all the angles, and decided it is probably time to learn to be funny. Nobody on Gossip Girl has braces, natural hair color, or real tans. I'm 0 for 3 so funny it is. I have decided to take out an add for myself, so instead of going to auditions that aren't looking for me, I can help the dental enthusiasts find what they want. You know, "you can lead a horse to water..." Wait maybe not that one. "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth." ? Whatever.

"Comedic actress for hire. Brunette, ivory skin, and decorative facial pieces. Height: 5'8", Weight: more than 100 lbs but less than 150 lbs, Age range: 13-19. Has driver's license. Would be a great fit on shows like Ugly Betty, Secret Life of An American Teenager, and Family Guy. Willing to dye hair, spray tan, and bind chest with an Ace bandage. Special Skills: has already gone through puberty, ice carving, and old enough to enter a bar. Contact for more details: chelseaiswearicanplay13oconnor@gmail.com."

Yes, my snuggie is leopard print.

I Feel Like a Model...

Yesterday I went in to the orthodontist and they took my pictures for like 20 minutes!

I kept asking the tech, "So are you looking for pouty kitten or intense lioness." And she was like "I'm looking for mouth wide open." She tried to do my profile shot to the left and I was like, nuh uh, you know my good side is the right side. She agreed and reshot me. I think I got a few good stills for my B-reel. Especially the ones where we jammed plastic pieces into my mouth and she pulled as hard as she could until the skin felt like it would rip at any moment. I almost feel like I understand how forceps work now.

All in all, it really wasn't that bad. The molds have really upgraded compared to the horror stories I have been hearing. It tasted like bubble gum. For $300 you too can have intimate photos of your dental crevices.

These are some of my sweet shots. I'm still looking for representation if any agents are reading this... I mean if ANYONE is reading this.