September 16th, Friday at 4:36pm a statement was issued signed by all film production companies in Los Angeles after a week long meeting held in Hollywood. It exclaimed that all production houses in LA would no longer employ performers of the "character" type. "In light of the recent economic situation and the rising popularity of Reality Television, the film producers met in an attempt to turn around this failing industry, and this is the agreement we have reached," Mark Stalin, CEO of Dreamworks. "It has been made clear to us that while the average American is now sitting at home drinking, eating, watching TV, wallowing in self-pity over their inability to afford their gym membership they had more for the look of the card in their wallet than the actual use of the gym, they would prefer to look at pretty people."
Aside from just preferences a researcher from Harvard's psychology department thinks there is even more to this. Jane Dykema PHD says, "The best way to get people working again is to encourage them to go back to school. The top 3 available job positions in this country are Doctors, Lawyers, and Policeman. Coincidentally, these are also the most popular TV dramas. And if we only cast attractive people with unobtainable bodies in these roles, the statistics tell us that people will go back to school. It's science."
This statement was released at 4:36pm Friday afternoon. At 7pm Friday evening, the time when all the associates and assistants of the Producers, Casting Directors, and Writers finally get to leave to salvage their weekend, they were greeted with a protest from a single person. In each film lot a young woman, whom upon further inspection was wearing braces, was blocking the entrance to the gate. The associates were stuck inside their film lots all weekend until 10AM this Monday morning, two hours after their workday was supposed to begin, one hour before their boss would arrive.
Our sources tell us these girls are part of a Character Actor Coalition, led by none other than Chelsea "Leinberger" O'Connor, who was posted at the Paramount Lot. Clearly some misgivings took place. The associates and assistants in all locations except at HBO and ABC Family were found this morning burning copies of the memo from Friday afternoon's proceedings and plastering posters outside the building saying "let people be fat" "bring characters back" "braces are nerdy/hot."
Some witnesses from the weekend said these girls led them in sing-alongs around the memo created campfire and regularly stood on soapboxes giving speeches and showing clips from TV's "The Biggest Loser."
Assistants at HBO and ABC were interviewed this morning about their studios lack of revolt. They both wished to remain anonymous but gave statements to our reporter. The HBO assistant said, "We signed that document with our fingers crossed behind our back. Have you ever watched our programming? We won't get rid of weird people. We just had a party in the lot with our braceface. Sarah Jessica Parker even showed up!"
The ABC Family assistant was difficult to understand due to lack of vocal inflection but was quoted saying, "We love Mickey Mouse. We love family shows. We love people like us."
The LAPD ascended upon these bracketed woman who were clearly seeking selfish revenge, but all of them got away due to these real policeman's lack of physical fitness.
Clearly a change has come to the film industry. Again. Since the change that came last Friday.
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