Watch out Jane Austen, there's a new girl in town.

For those of you who find my humor lacking, are secretly reading this at work, read this instead of calling me and catching up (eh hem, grandma), or are stalking me and simply looking for my current whereabouts so you can hide in my flower garden ( hahahaha, flower garden. I live in New York City. The homeless man across the street might have a grocery cart filled with cans that might resemble a flower garden... from a distance), here is the cliffs notes version of the blog you are about to read.

1. I was visited by my very handsome boyfriend named Stephan who enjoys cooking for me, and is VERY good at it. ( be jealous)

2. I have had braces for 7 weeks.

3. I still can not chew.

4. I leave NYC in 19 days, but will not arrive in LA for 49 days. In the middle I will linger in a place much like "purgatory" or "limbo" or "land of bars and pharmacies" called Bay City.

5. All donations to the fund "Chelsea decided to live an extravagant life filled with medical bills after years of being a starving artist" can be made through the pay pal button that I will install.

And now.....

A Simple Meal by Chelsea O'Connor

This was it. She knew this moment would come but it seemed all too soon. The pain still flickered in the corner of her mouth and the scratch of a lonesome piece of rice between her teeth made her realize she had missed a spot while brushing. But it was too late. The flight from Los Angeles had arrived and the crowd was moving. There he was... As they rushed to each other after 61 days of distance the excitement was palpable. They embraced, and the first words to tumble out of her mouth were, "Oh my god my braces. Are they horrible? Do I look hideous? Are you embarrassed to be dating a 12 year old? You're so embarrassed aren't you?"

So I guess I won't be authoring any romance novels... Whatever, Mansfield Park wasn't even that good.

Stephan headed back to LA this afternoon with a GIGANTIC suitcase. Seriously, he packs like a woman. It was like a different outfit every 3 hours. It almost looked like I sent him back with the largest suitcase I could find, filled with my belongings. Almost.

Despite the fact that I worked 4 out of the 5 days he was here, we had a wonderful time. But the best part had to have been Sunday evening's meal. I got called into work at Comix - apparently they didn't get my letter and think I still owe them 2 weeks. Comix- it's over- I'm not taking you back no matter how many shiny things you buy me. I still can't believe you thought buying me braces would do the trick. Now it's over between us and I'm getting skinnier. Sucks for you.

I came home from work Sunday night at 11:50pm to a sweat soaked Stephan, cursing at a bowl of risotto, and a smoke filled apartment. He had meticulously planned a whole meal tolerable for the chewing impaired. BBQ chicken, slow cooked until the meat fell of the bone, then pulled and smothered in sauce, Steamed swiss chard with balsamic vinegar and sea salt, and risotto that tasted like burning.

I hope you can see the steam rising. Don't I have the loveliest mixing bowls?

The meal would not be complete without the risotto. So it's midnight, and there is only one thing to do: Stephan goes to the 24 hour grocery store, buys a bottle of cooking sherry, and begins again on this mysterious rice cream. I - throw out the pan.

The end result was DE-LICIOUS. Round 2 risotto= pretty close to perfect, and the swiss chard was Glorious. And eating BBQ chicken after 7 weeks of smoothies was like an award for the fat child inside me that asks every morning if we can please stop at McDonald's and get a sausage biscuit and hash brown for breakfast.

Then, because I am pathetic and forced him, we did a photo montage: